Burning the Candle at Both Ends?
Is it just me, or did anyone else think that life was going to get easier now that our kids are finally back in school?
I looked forward to being able to get my own work done without popping out to manage someone’s tech issues, sibling conflict, or demands for yet another snack. I was ready to go to the office without any guilt for leaving my husband to try and do his work and manage the kids as well. Freedom! Right?
Except not. Now the theme I notice coming up over and over for the mothers I work with is how much more tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed they are. Does my kid have the right colour t-shirt for today’s theme day? Did they put on underwear for pyjama day? Did I sign that form? How do I get on Google Classroom? Hockey! Karate! Dance! Music lessons! Playdates! Halloween!
And now... Christmas!
I’m exhausted just writing this list.
Life feels like it has just returned to the grind, except even more so. While I’m not exactly sure why, so many of us are feeling it. We’re all burning the candle at both ends.
What are some things you can let go of?
Can your partner completely take over some household tasks (and you allow yourself to stay out of it!)? Ask yourself whether it actually has to be you doing all the things you’re doing, or if someone else can take over some things.
Are you doing kid drop-offs and pick-ups every day?
Maybe your partner, a neighbour, or a grandparent can help, even just some days of the week.
Are you doing kids bedtime all by yourself?
Change up the routine—sometimes the familiar routine no longer works for our kids and they need the change just as much as we do.
Cooking from scratch every night?
Maybe ordering meal kits, buying pre-chopped veggies, or frozen dinners once in a while can take the pressure off.
Everyone loves pizza night, right? Taking a break from cooking is necessary sometimes.
If you’re noticing some internal resistance—it usually shows up as a “yeah, but”. Sit with that for a moment. What’s the resistance about? Common themes:
No one else will do it as well as I can
No one else is available
I don’t have support
I feel guilty asking for help
The kids only want me
I don’t want to have to ask, my partner should just jump in and do things
These are all perfectly legit. Really. So we have to get creative. Can you live with someone else doing a “good enough” job? Will your kids survive having someone else put them to bed even though they’d rather have you? Can you outsource anything to a paid helper (cleaner, neighbourhood teenager for after school, dog walker)? So often, we have to allow ourselves to let go of control over many of these things.
If you feel like your partner isn’t doing their fair share, think about how you want to ask for things to change. The reality is, if your partner doesn’t already jump in to do things without being asked, no amount of you sighing, passive-aggressive comments, and slamming cabinet doors is going to change that. We have to make a direct request for what we want, and then we have to continually check in with each other about how the new system is going. Yes, it sucks to be the one asking. I get it. It’s more of the mental load. But when we keep doing all the things without asking for a change, we will only get more of the same. And that’s not good for anyone.
Bottom line: if you feel like you’re burning the candle at both ends, you’re going to run out of wick. Let go of what is non-essential. Allow others to do an imperfect job at taking over some tasks. Treat yourself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.💖
