Two Ways to Create Immediate Change in Your Relationship

Change is often slow. Lately, though, we’ve seen rapid change in the way we live and work, how we can spend our free time, and where we can go. This coronavirus pandemic means that many families are cooped up in the house together, trying to work, parent, educate, and entertain all at once.

None of us are doing it perfectly. We’re all just fumbling along. 

All this close proximity with spouses can sometimes intensify little annoyances that were already there. Things you could ignore until you were together all day, every day, trying to get done all the many things you each have on your plates. Close quarters plus added stress can be a recipe for conflict in a relationship.

You might find yourself wondering, “How are we ever going to get through this?” You might have read that the divorce rate in China spiked after their quarantine restrictions began to be lifted. While this may seem like a gloomy future, your relationship doesn’t have to fall victim to COVID-19.

Here are two things you can start doing today that will begin to have an immediate positive effect on your relationship:

SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE. 

Don’t vent about them to your friends and family. Let your children hear you say positive things about their other parent. No one likes to be the subject of someone else’s venting. If your spouse does something frustrating, allow yourself to feel the frustration, but don’t go venting to your mom/friends/siblings/kids about it. 

Ask yourself this: “How would I feel if I knew my spouse was talking like this about me to someone? How would I feel the next time I’m around that person, now that they’ve just heard about all my flaws?” It would feel awful!

You’re probably wondering to yourself, “Ok, so if I have feelings I want to process, or I really do need to vent, I just have to keep it all inside? That’s not how I work!” This doesn’t mean you minimize your concerns, many of which are probably quite valid. If you have a concern about your spouse, there are some things that you can still do to deal with it, while protecting your relationship. 

Talk to a therapist. Get some feedback on the situation, help with problem-solving, and suggestions for how to communicate about your concerns. 

Talk with ONE trusted friend who you know will have a balanced view and who will call you out on your own stuff. Someone who will still respect your spouse even though you have frustrations.

The best option? Talk to your spouse about it! Tell them how you feel about a specific thing, and make a positive request for what you want.

Remind yourself of the positives in the person you love - you are with them for a reason, after all!

EXPRESS APPRECIATION FOR EACH OTHER

Relationship researcher John Gottman talks about how important it is to cultivate a culture of appreciation in marriages. If I feel appreciated, my stress level goes WAY down. It feels really good to be noticed for the little (and big) things we do every day. Even if the household work isn’t exactly 50/50, if both feel appreciated, the percentage starts to be less important.

Appreciation is an excellent antidote to scorekeeping in a relationship. Rather than comparing who is doing more work, or has had less sleep, just say a simple “thanks” to each other. 

Be specific:

“It means a lot to me that you always get the coffee ready the night before.”

“I love how patient you are when doing school work with the kids.”

“I can see how hard you’re working at trying to be available for the kids while also doing your job from home.”

“You put a lot of thought into planning our meals/designing the garden/creating a routine for the kids… You’re a great Mom/Dad.”

It doesn’t have to be grand gestures (although those are nice!). Just simple statements that show you notice and appreciate what the other is doing will go a long way.

Does it feel like things are too far gone in your relationship, and you can’t see how doing these small things might help? Sometimes there are significant hurts, and it’s painful to express appreciation. It can be hard to find anything positive.

Many couples wait far too long to reach out for help. Even in the middle of a pandemic, couples counselling can help get you talking about the hard stuff. We’re currently offering online counselling so that you can start getting what you need right now.